Understanding Trauma Bonding

Have you ever been in a relationship where you find it hard to let go? You believe this partner is your all in all. Him/her must have swept you off your feet initially making you believe that you have found the one.

The love bombing phase could not have come at a better time than it did. Soon after the honeymoon phase, you discover that your partner begins to verbally, emotionally, mentally or sexually abuse you. You come of with apologies and try to make everything right. No matter what you do, you can never do right by this partner.

You blame yourself and get into a space of cognitive dissonance and begin to doubt yourself completely. You are rewarded sometimes and at the same time smacked down by your partner. The moment you start asking questions, you are begins to shower you with affection once again. The cycle of verbal and emotional abuse followed by reward gets repeated often than you can count.

This is the beginning of trauma bonding. You start to doubt yourself and your abilities. Learning to work on egg shells is something you are now mastering while trying not to offend your partner so that you don't trigger them.

During my healing process, I found that most of the relationships I had were based on unconscious trauma bonding. I began to work on healing and eliminating all formed trauma bonds and this led to me finding myself, writing my books, coaching others and speaking on life and relationship issues.

Trauma bond is formed due to internalized childhood abuse/pain/trauma that has resulted in you forming attachments with a partner when the relationship happens too fast. You had been made to feel unloved or unworthy as a child. Hence, the reason why you are seeking for a partner to love you. This is the reason for anger, sadness, bitterness and resentment leading to the void in our lives.

You begin to accept emotional, verbal or sexual abuse as love due to the pain/trauma you have carried on from childhood. What leads to trauma bonding is the longing for parental love that was never present. This is now becoming normal to you but the truth is that it is dipping and drowning you in pain.

You have never experienced true love and all you have come to know is pain/trauma.

To overcome getting into relationships that lead to trauma bonding, you must take the following steps:
1. Take time to heal from every hidden pain/trauma in your life.
2. Don't fall in love too fast. Don't believe in a relationship that makes you feel good too quickly.
3. Watch out for dating red flags.
4. Accept what is and move on by separating yourself and going NO CONTACT with the partner.
5. Learn to set healthy boundaries.
6. Be consciously aware when it feels to good to be true.
7. Don't let the romance sweep you off your feet by being naive.

Read this: The Difference Between Falling In Love And Loving Someone

Learn to forgive and let go. This won't be easy but it is worth your sanity.
9. Work on yourself and regain your self-confidence/esteem.
10. Trust and belief in yourself. Never ignore your intuition. Don't rush and settle for less.

True love will never take advantage of you or abuse you. True love is not romanticized too quickly but built over time by supporting you to heal and become the best version of yourself. Learn to heal and untie your soul from every form of buried/hidden pain/trauma from the past.

Always remember:
“Staying in an unhealthy relationship that robs you of peace of mind, is not being loyal. It is choosing to hurt yourself mentally, emotionally and sometimes, physically.” - Kemi Sogunle, Excerpt, "Beyond the Pain." Copyrighted © 2014. Kemi Sogunle. All Rights Reserved.

Ready to learn how to heal from painful past or trauma? Learn about coaching with me.

Get My Books